Lady Holden

This thing called 'Friendship'

2009-07-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

How does it feel when you're alone and you're cold inside? - MJ, Stranger in Moscow

The stress that the past couple of weeks also made me re-think a few things in my life. While chatting with a friend one Saturday afternoon, it dawned on me - I can really be lonely at times. While I have so many friends surrounding me, there are moments when I find myself completely having no one at all.
It's funny how one friend pointed out: 'So, you don't have a best friend?' I know it's cheesy and it might not even deserve a space in this blog but it did dig a hole in my thoughts. And it kept boring deeper and deeper until I can't take it out no more. It's like a tumor - it sits there somewhere in my brain (mind), growing bigger and bigger everyday (somehow nurtured by recent on-goings in my semi-pathetic life). It needs an operation, to rid of it and free me from pain.
And so, going back to that, if I may call, unsolicited, tacky, and a little hurtful comment (but I don't blame my friend for it was meant to be an innocuous question), it made me kind of confirm it to myself - 'Yea, I don't.' I used to have one but we've grown each other out (possibly permanently out of each others' lives). I even had a very close guy friend but he moved far away. I have so many friends in highschool and college, at work, and friends that I randomly met along the way but I didn't find another one. It's true, at least in my case, that a best friend is not like a boyfriend or a girlfriend whom you can just replace when the relationship is over. Once it's broken - it's irrepairable.
So what happens to a person without any best friends (and without any boyfriends... hehe...)? Here are just some things I experience myself:
1. I'm always a tag-along (to my sister & her husband). Classic loser moment: The night after their wedding, I slept in their hotel room (at the living room couch) 'coz I don't have anywhere / anyone to go to. =(
2. I don't have a constant movie buddy.
3. I don't have someone to bother anytime without feeling 'shy' about it (because I am assured I am not a bother at all)
4. I don't have someone calling my house every now and then to just, well, talk.

Things just change I guess. One time, we find ourselves surrounded by people who makes the best out of us and the next thing you know, you're by yourself. I am such a sensitive sucker and it's such a touchy subject for me - this thing called friendship. Probably because I have had a lot whom I thought would stay but went away anyway. That is why it upsets me when my friends make me feel like I have to beg for their time, or I have to fall in line for their schedules. I am not saying they should'nt because we all have our own reasons but that is genuinely what I feel. And don't it frustrates you when a friend refers to you as just an 'officemate' or a 'classmate' or whatever other 'so-so' terms when he / she talks to other people? Why can't he / she just say 'Oh, I'm with my friend!' It makes me feel bad... I don't know. Oh, and then there are my favorites - those who suddenly remember your existence when they need something from you.
But God really is good! He knows when and how to take away my pain and turn it into glee. I have this friend whom I haven't seen for quite a long time. She used to be a colleague at work but then she resigned and we haven't seen each other since. Not once and it's like years already. But what I like about her is that she never forgets. She'll drop me a message once in while in my FB or Friendster and ask how am I doing. But the better part is, she's always telling me how she appreciates the friendship... without any inhibitions. I don't have to see her to tell that she's genuine about it. There's just an assurance between those words and I really feel it.
Then, just recently, I've been talking to my college bffs (thanks skype!) and it's just awesome. Although they're very far, just by talking, we are able to catch up and just fill in the years that we have lost touch.
It's as if God is reminding me I am just making up crazy thoughts in my head. And I shouldn't feel bad about it. Things change and that cannot be helped.

And so, I say to my friends: I truly appreciate your friendship - near or far. A friend talks from the heart and I know all your hearts perfectly. =)

All in my head

2009-06-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

I've been staring at this blank space on the wall
My mind's in slumber, sometimes it's on a roll
Then I hear your voice talking to me from somewhere
Think you'd be able to brighten up my world of amber

But you were just in my head
Gotta wake up sooner or later
I'm going crazy, there's no doubt
About this non-existent love affair.

I found this written in my little notebok. Can't remember when I wrote it. Now that I think about it, I am such a sporadic cheezy sprinkler.

w.e.a.k.

2007-05-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

A big black hole usurps my being. I feel so restless and weak.
Sometimes I feel like the sky comes down upon me and threads on my very soul; its magnitude ready to swallow me whole.
To cry is to be a coward they say. But it is through these river of tears that I fight my sadness. Ah, melancholy and my infinite sadness amidst the chaos of life. At times, I surrender to this whim so as not to complicate things further or aggravate the fire that's been meaning to scorch this cold cold feeling.
I want to runaway... to wherever that is. It doesn't matter.

cold when there is no you.

2007-04-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

the breeze is passing through my solitude.
the colder it gets, the more i think of you.
the more i think of you, the more i hate myself.
for i long for the warmth that only you can shed.

i watch the sunset alone and i mourn over it.
smile that wasn't there, now i'm starting to forget.
cold-blood spilled in the fountain of this loneliness.
will i forever feel numb to this cold empty space?

there is still time to fight, to get over the pain.
to turn this icicles to little puddles of faith.
if you'll ever come back i'll dream again to see that light.
that tiny twinkling spark that only gives me life.

Sa isang nagkukubling diwa

2007-04-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

Sa isang lumang alapaap natagpuan niya ang kaniyang sarili, sumisinghap-singhap sa liwanag ng mga tala sa dakong natatanaw lamang. May ilaw pa kayang madadatnan pagsapit ng panahong kaya na niyang abutin ang dati’y isang dipang layong aninaw lamang sa kawalan?

Magulo ang mundo. Magulo ang buhay ko. Parang isang sapot na nagtagni-tagni’t winalanghiya ang isang masayang alaala na sa isang sulok na lamang ng aking katinuan nakabaon. Hindi maaaring mahukay ng gayon lamang. Ngunit nais ko itong mahawakan, malanghap, matikman. Hindi baling may pait kung ang dulong maaabot ay matamis ang naghihintay. Hindi na baling lumuha ng bagyo kung ang katahimikang nagbabadya ang siyang masisilayan ko. Ano nga ba ang buhay? Mayroon nga bang totoo?

Umaalon ang musika sa aking pandinig… noong una’y malungkot haggang sa bawa’t himig na binibitawan ay nagbibigay kulay sa dati’y walang buhay na kadiliman. At sa aking kamalayan ay imahe ng dalawang pusong magkaakap, nagmamahal, puno ng pag-asa. Habang ang diwa ko’y naglalakbay, ako’y nag-aalalang hindi na ito muling makakabalik sapagka’t ang aking sapantaha’y ito ay may kakayahang mamalagi sa mundo na hindi totoo. Anu’t ano man, ang puso ko’y buo, walang dungis walang bahid. Saan man ako magtungo, tiyak matutunton ko ang daan pauwi.

Malungkot kong tinitingnan ang bawat salitang nabubuo sa isang blankong papel na de makinarya. Walang kahulugan ngunit malalim ang pinaghuhugtan. Gusto kong umiyak pero para saan, para kanino? Matapang ang taong lumuluha sapagka’t wala siyang takot palayain ang kaniyang emosyon. Nais kong isiping matapang ako. Ngunit ang totoo’y isa akong duwag na walang alam gawin kundi ang magkubli sa mundo na malayo sa realidad. Wari’y nanaghoy ang aking musika – may luha ang bawat ritmo, may tangis ang bawat salita.

-Isang tanghaling nakakapraning

At sight.

2007-04-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

I look outside my working cage; I saw the Manila Bay, ships at anchorage, the blue skies, slightly dimmed by smog. From where I stood, they look serene... the sea looks peaceful. And those floating sticks look like puzzles.
I thought about you.
How many days must I wait until I see you again.
I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know.
This morning, I forgot your face. I forgot how it felt to be near you.
If it's good, then it is good. I musn't wail.
I almost cried for fear of forgetting.
Will you ever come back?
There was a slight tug in my heart; I felt guilty deceiving myself.

But for now, I wouldn't hang on. I can't keep my promise.

The Yellow Trap

2007-01-26T08:33:00.000-08:00

I'd rather not explain about the title because it will loose the sense of mystery in it. I can still remember how all this happened to this hapless soul who has been pathetically unlucky in the Game of Hearts. I've seen it all happened before my eyes; I was probably the sole witness to her sometimes happy and [most of the time] bitter fight against the real, the ideal and the norm.

Who knows? I just remember that it all started here...

February 6, 2006 (Monday)

There was an invasion. But this was nothing serious. No, we're not being attacked by monstrous foreign colonizers nor a civil war was meaning to break out. But I feel like a captive. His "type of people" wouldn't just let me go. I was yearning to break free and just when I thought the strings have loosened, another one got a hold of me.

February 7, 2006 (Tuesday)

Why do I easily fall for goofballs? He has that sweet innocent yet appalling look. He looks ridiculously funny.

February 9, 2006 (Thursday)

Am I really being stupid? I know I am leaving the last ounce of my self-worth splayed flatly on the floor. Am I already threading on it without really knowing?

(to be continued... the author's eyes were drooping like crazy already...)

Baffled.

2006-10-13T02:47:00.000-07:00

I stared at the white and empty space in my monitor but in there shadows of memories dance before my eyes. This lifeless piece of metal might have all the answers I keep inside. My coffee cup pleads... no more agonies for it is the sole witness to my cry of agonies everyday. I hear my own wail; they seem pointless but they're killing me.

Those pair of slippers, unused for quite some time now. No you. No us. The illusions are nothing but pathetic spectagles created by my over eager imagination. I thought I hear myself laugh. Then I'd be happy.

Fun is fun but that's not what i need right now...

2006-09-28T19:22:00.000-07:00

I was totally turned upside down. It was all too much that I have suddenly realized that it really can't happen; it just wouldn't because it's not meant to be. It's good to back out while I still can, although there's already a little twinge of pain whenever I think about it.

Again, I feel the dead cold touch of truth and it hurts like a frostbite like it did before. Another "why", another sorrow that is too familiar; i feel like it's all inside me, leaving me helpless while in pain.

I guess I am lucky I am not the kind of person who can easily be blinded by false hopes. I can smell what is rotten; I can see beyond the act. It's just FUN while at it. Just fun and nothing more. But I found myself wishing for more - I hopeD. And that doesn't seem right. When it's us that's involved, nothing is and will ever be right. There was never a we to start with.

Oblivion

2006-08-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

You were a fascinating spectacle in my mind's eye
you are a dream that is yet to come true
A show that's not over until the platform crashes down

I watch as you half-tempt me to give in...
you were surprised I almost did.
you draw the curtains
And it was over.

When gravity strikes hard...

2006-05-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

Falling...
Hate and love the word. It is fearsome; it seems ruthless.
It makes your body numb and your heart beat faster.
It makes you ache and long to hold on to someone.
It is uncertain; you are scared of its impact.

On one hand, it makes you brave; you are helpless yet you let go...
... on and on... and on... until you hit the ground.
You fear but you do not concede.
You submit trusting only your instincts.

Do we choose to fall? Do we dive right in?

Falling...
It is liberating -- that sense of unguardedness.
It is exciting; it makes your heart skip that million drumbeats.
The feeling is worse than being drugged; stronger than valium.

It is sad though. Once you fall there is no turning back.
There is no taking back the pain, the hurt... that feeling of breaking into pieces.
Learn to endure.

The filthy waters of unimaginable dreams

2006-03-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

I am afloat

with my back towards where I'm going

I feel wretched yet peaceful

'Coz behind me were depressing scenes.

You are willing to keep the unspoken words

I am not.

You are there; I am going away on a journey

I am sailing through filthy waters

but I cannot seem to see

I was there too; you didn't see me

until now. I am going away

Will I ever come back for a blindfolded heart?

The ship rips apart the ocean

Your thoughts rip apart my heart...

A thousand waves, a thousand tears

I am tired, I am unwilling

I want to set me free.

Please let go of me...

while sailing through these filthy waters

hasta mañana

2006-02-17T06:57:00.000-08:00

the littlest of things would put the world in awe...
someday.
the tiniest crack would create a black-hole fault in the universe;
laugh now. cry later. live longer.
anticipation kills.

Sunset in my day dreams...

2006-02-06T03:49:00.000-08:00

"In times when you're alone, you think you are broken...
Yet when you're broken, you are not alone."

Alone. This is the word that I fear the most; it exudes a certain horror that I cannot fully grasp. All i know is that I am not one. Or am I?

My faith in God is the one thing that holds my crumbling self in one piece. I am blessed and I know it. I am not ready to give in.

I often wonder, how many people in the world holds the same predicament as mine -- constantly seeking one's self worth. In my 23 years of existence, I haven't found my purpose. I am waiting patiently. Because beyond what I see, there is something waiting for me.

When ex-es became royal jerks

2004-11-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

One last thing that a dumpee needs from her dumper is to be reminded of the factuality that she has been dumped. As simple as that. But I ask, why do they love to keep rubbing in that they mean no harm? Or hurt? Or… whatever.

The truth is it isn’t our ego that has been busted. It’s the trust. Our faith in love, no matter how sappy as it may sound. We keep it cool, we make you feel that “ah, okay… you don’t like me anymore. Bye then, I’ll go on with my life.” But hey, it is not as easy as it may appear. Deep inside, we are hurting too much that we eventually become numb to all the heartache and the pain that just a mere thought of you brings.

It is actually hard to move on with life. As much as possible, we don’t wanna be reminded of the lovey-dovey things that we used to share together or the Edwin McCain songs that we pathetically branded as ours… our theme song. (bleckkkk!) Sometimes, the bitterness eats up our insides that seeing a couple makes us all devilish thinking that all is just part of a play. Nothing about it is true at all. “Mag-be-break din kayo!” we happily hum to ourselves.

Just as we are mending out shattered hearts, thinking everything will be fine eventually, you invade our little ‘lonely’ world in the most casual manner you can project, saying “hi… how’s it going? Kamusta ka?” as if nothing happened?!? You royal hear-breaker! Haven’t you heard of ‘Separate Lives’?

First, if you think that we are elated to hear from you, well, yes we are. But hey, it is not like we are ready to jump on in again. After maybe, 16 seconds of self-debate, self-preservation prevails. In our minds, “oh no, here we (or I) go again…” We keep asking ourselves what else do you want. Haven’t I had enough? So we response to you as casual as you did. The conversation is all going fine (we hope) then you bring up the whole idea about our break-up. WhY?!? Does it really satisfy you? Is it some type of an ego booster?

Okay, we’ve been apart for like a month now. You say you are currently happy and contented with your life (no big deal). You say, in a very awkward manner, that you somehow miss me (okay, I can live with that). You say you really loveD me and yea, you still feel something for me but it isn’t enough to make everything work (hmmm… I wonder if you were drunk when you’re saying that, but hey, okay, no big deal). You say everything which you think would make you appear like an angel before me since I’ve been pretty much the victim here. But then… all of a sudden (without an actual inquisition from me) you will announce that you are happily hitched. JERK.

I’m so not in the mood to continue writing right now… some other time.